Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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