Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
