Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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