no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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