She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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