Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
