mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
