feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
