worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
