What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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