New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
