new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize