I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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