i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
