for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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