Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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