my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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