i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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