I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
