Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
