Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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