I can tuck mytits in my pants
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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