What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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