Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
