New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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