no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
