you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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