My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
