She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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