I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
