As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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