She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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