I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
