I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I pour the whiskey from now on
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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