Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize