I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
