look no pants
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
