we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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