How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
