i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
