She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize