Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
