He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
