I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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