I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
