TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
