Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i think my tv is drunk
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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