There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
