Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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