Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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