my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
