census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
