He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
