Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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