i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize