i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
