Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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